The Jona Awakening

Jona Goofcup lies sprawled on the ground of his sitting room, surrounded by papers, files, laptop, empty bottles of champagne, bottles of Star, cups  and curiously, Alomo Bitters. He is wearing a flowing dashiki with a bowler hat sitting precariously on his head.

 

A mobile phone rings, ringtone is Dbanj's Scapegoat song...he frantically searches for the ringing phone,  and sees the mobile phone tucked between files

He picks up his mobile phone trying to focus on the screen and drawls drunkenly:  Otonto Douglas, how far? Have you arranged the flights to Johannesburg for the meeting with the South African president?

 

Otonto Douglas: Yes sir, two jets sir…one for you  and the kitchen cabinet, the other for Rento and the boys sir, we are in control

 

Goofcup gets up and  staggers as he tries to walk around. He trips on a bottle of Star but manages to stand up again.

 

Goofcup:  Good! Please ensure Madam Pertinent is aware so she can be ready in time. The last time we went to Sydney she caused a six hour delay because she couldn’t get the right Mascara brand from Italy

 

Otonto: Yes sir. Rento Omonkore is on top of the situation with madam. 

 

Goofcup: (Drawling): What do you mean Rento is on top of madam? Does he want to die? 

 

Otonto: Oga no no...that's not what I mean. He is attending to madam's needs...

 

Goofcup mutters: Ok ok...this people would not kill me with wahala

 

Otonto : There is no wahala oga… you are highly favoured, you are godsent…

 

Goofcup interjects: Yes I know…and to see how favoured I am, the South African president has told me there is excess local beer, Umqombothi, to guzzle. He said it is better than our burukutu. 

 

Otonto: Yes sir, yes sir, I agree absolutely

 

He staggers some more and falls on the remote control with a loud noise on his butt, the TV flickers on and his bowler hat spins off his head.

 

Otonto can be heard shouting in the background worried: OGA ARE YOU OK?! Oga are you fine?

 

Goofcup grapples for his mobile phone and screams into it: OTONTO and RENTO you have killed me ooo…What is this I am seeing on TV? People protesting? You have removed subsidy? Chai…you want to ruin me ooo… You want to send me back to my village empty handed…Devil would punish you people! This is not my portion.

 

Otonto: Oga calm down. It is nothing. There is no problem, no cause for alarm we are in control…

 

Goofluck screams some more into the mobile phone: IN CONTROL?!! YOU CALL THIS CONTROL. You want Nigerian Harmattan to happen here. When did you remove the subsidy without telling me…These people have ruined me finally.

 

Otonto: Oga, it was removed last week sir. You said we should not disturb you about anything if it is not important…the Prime Minister Madam Nagazy said there was no need to tell you about the subsidy removal…

 

Goofluck jumps up in panic: You mean Madam Prime Minister knows about this and agreed with you? Can’t you people see people protesting on the TV? Can’t you see them saying I should go. I don’t want to end up like Mubarak in a cage on display on NTA. God forbid. I know I shouldn't have employed you people. 

 

Otonto: No cause for alarm sir! We are on NTA, Facebook and Twitter calming the populace down…in fact Boko Haram are in support of the fuel subsidy, we are…

 

Goofcup cuts off Otonto: You are what?! With automatic alacrity tell madam Nagazy to revert the price of petrol to the former price, 48 naira

 

Otonto sounding incredulous: Oga. the former price was 65 naira...it is impossible to...

 

Goofluck screeches: Shut up there! What do you know? Amadioha scatter your mouth Otonto. In fact you are fired with immediate effect…pack your bags and leave Asso Bunker this very  minute.

Oh before you go, please bring me some Sapele Water!